


Shall I Write it in a Letter?

by astro_phan (sincerepml)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Happy Ending, Letters, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-20 23:42:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14904398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sincerepml/pseuds/astro_phan
Summary: Dan Howell and Phil Lester are about to go to different universities. Dan wants to get something off of his chest before it's too late and does it by writing a letter.





	Shall I Write it in a Letter?

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off of the song "Bloom" by The Paper Kites 
> 
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8inJtTG_DuU
> 
> This is my very first fic so please be nice and leave some constructive criticism. I hope you like this!!

Dan sat down at his worn wooden desk and pulled out everything he needed: a pencil and paper. He didn’t like writing, not because he wasn’t good at it, but because he gets too deep. It’s like the pencil he's using stabs him right in the chest and twists it until he confesses everything. Except this time was different, this time he was willingly digging deep and bringing up things he didn't want to admit to himself. 

Phil Lester has been his friend since the day he walked into the large secondary school. His fresh meat could be smelled by every single upperclassmen and that put a huge target on his back. Luckily, a ginger haired kid with striking blue eyes found him first. His wide smile and extensive knowledge on hamster breeding put a smile on Dan’s face. Since then, they have been inseparable. They spent every single waking minute together. 

Dan watched the bright orange hair turn into a pitch black and his round features sharpen out. His face and body morphed into a brand-new territory for Dan, but his personality was all the same. Dan changed as well, but not as much as Phil. He straightened his hair and changed from wearing band t-shirts, to just wearing all black all the time. 

Now, they were in their last year of school and everything was going to change. Their time together was going to deplete gradually. Maybe Dan was being dramatic, but Phil was all he had and he wasn't ready to lose his entire world. 

So, this is what brought Dan here. He looked back on everything him and Phil did together and started writing.  
_  
Dear Phil,_

_I really don't know what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it. Everything in my body is telling me to stop, but I need to do this before it’s too late. Well I might be acting a little dramatic, but that’s what I do best._

_Back to the point: I need to write this letter to you because I am too scared to say these things in person. You are the most important person in my entire life. You took me under your ginger wing and taught me my most important lessons. You were there when I couldn’t dry my own eyes and you carried me when my legs were too weak. Since we're going into different uni's, I want you to understand that my feelings have grown far past friendship. Shall I explain how those feelings developed, I shall._

_It all started when school let out about two years ago and you dragged me to the sunflower field you miraculously found one day. As you talked on and on about this field, I couldn’t stop staring at you. I was so fascinated by your fascination. When we finally reached it, you grabbed my hand and started to run through it. I didn’t want to think anything of it, but my heart thought otherwise. It pounded as if it would burst out of my chest at any given moment._

_You eventually tripped and fell and I came tumbling with you. My body crashed right into yours and my eyes were immediately met with yours. The electric blue shot jolts through my body and I couldn’t speak properly. I rolled right off you and you rolled right on top of me. I was so confused until your fingers found my neck and I immediately knew – you were tickling me. I laughed so hard that I couldn’t breathe right until a few minutes later._

_We spent the rest of the afternoon laying in the field talking about what we wanted to do in the future. You loved talking about your plans and I was always included in them. It hurt sometimes because there would be a wife thrown in there, so I always assumed you’d never like me like that. Over the next year, you stopped talking so much about your future. When you talked about your future, you looked hesitant and pained. So anytime you brought it up, I steered the conversation elsewhere._

_Over that summer, you continued to make small gestures. Your fingers would intertwined with mine as we watched movies, or you would tell me to crawl between your legs so you could play with my hair – which you only did because you liked seeing me with curly hair. I started falling deeper and deeper, but you acted like you didn’t notice._

_One day, we sat across from each other on your florescent green carpet and looked up colleges on our computers. You tangled your legs with mine and talked to me endlessly about the University of York while I unenthusiastically talked about the University of Manchester. Pain shot through my chest as I looked up the distance between the colleges - an hour. I’m going to be an hour away from you and I feel so distraught. I know it’s just an hour on a train, but I couldn’t imagine it. I couldn’t imagine not seeing your face every day or hear your terrible puns all the time._

_It’s like you could sense my emotions like they were yours because you immediately stopped talking and asked me what was wrong. I tried to keep it in Phil, I tried so damn hard but your eyes brought it out. My face got hot and I could feel the tears running down my face. You sat your laptop down gently, then mine, and brought me to your chest. You smell so much like home and your arms are so warm. You held me as close as you possibly could and whispered sweet nothings in my ear. When I calmed down enough, you pulled back and asked me what was wrong. I told you about my sudden separation anxiety and you pulled me in again. Then, you said it. You said the thing that brought me to write this letter, “I will never leave you for as long as I live.”_

_Your promise seemed so promising, but when we both got our acceptance letters I knew it wasn't going to fulfill its promise. I was staying in Manchester and you were going to York. I feel like I'm tethered to you, Phil, and you're trying the break it. When you break it, all of the tendons of my heart are going to break too._

_Phil when I wake up and the sun shines through my room, my mind fills with the sweetest images of you. I go through the day like a zombie and I only feel alive when you are in my vicinity. Your smile brings the most joy and life to me. I love you, Phil. I’ve loved you for such a long time and I needed to tell you this before you fall in love with someone else. I know everything will change when I leave this letter on your doorstep and that’s okay. At least you know everything I need you to know._

_Yours Truly,_  
Dan  
  
Dan’s eyes were watering and his hand was in immense pain when he finished the letter. He read it over once, twice, five hundred times before he felt satisfied. Tears were now running down his face and his whole body was shaking. He continuously asked himself what he was doing. He was about to change his entire life - and he didn’t know if it was going to be good or bad. 

He folded the letter up and put it in an envelope. He slightly chuckled to himself because this was the most old fashioned thing he’s done. In an age where he could just text Phil everything he’s said, he decides to write it down. He was silently praying that the recipient wouldn’t be able to read it due to his lack of good handwriting.

He licked the sticky stripe on the top of the envelope and sealed it up, preventing him from looking at it one last time. He picked up his pencil and wrote a little note on the front.  
__  
From Dan Howell  
To Phil Lester  
Read this and you’ll know what to do  
  
Hopefully Phil would know what he meant. Sometimes he’s a little oblivious to things. Maybe he would completely ignore the letter and continue acting like he does now. He’ll say his goodbye to Dan and find someone new, someone better. 

Dan wiped his tear-stained face, pulled on his all white tennis shoes and ran down the stairs with the letter clutched tightly in his hand. He headed to the kitchen to find his mom cooking dinner. 

“Hey mum, I’m gonna drop something off at Phil’s and I’ll be right back,” he said as he walked right next to her. 

She gave a quick glance to him and went back to her cooking, “Will you be home before dinner or is Phil joining us for dinner tonight?”

Dan sighed, “Yeah, I’ll be back in time for dinner and Phil is not joining us.”

“Well,” she smiled a little bit, “tell that boy to come over before he goes to York. I’m gonna miss him.”

Dan leaned against the tacky countertop and chuckled, “He’s not dying, you know that right? We’re not putting him six feet underground next week.”

She hit his arm and scoffed, “Go before I put you underground.”

“Violence will never be the answer mother,” Dan said as he waltzed out of the kitchen and right through the front door. The heat of summer hit his skin and his regretted his choice of clothing immediately. 

The drive to Phil’s house was short, but it felt like ages. He turned on Frank Ocean to try and calm his nerves, but it didn’t really work. Nothing could calm him down considering what he’s about to do. 

He finally reached Phil’s house and hesitantly got out of the car. He walked up to the friendly house and stepped onto the inviting porch. Phil and his family were here, considering all of their cars were too. It scared hima bit because Phil could walk out that door and he’d have to explain everything to him. 

Dan felt frozen in place. He couldn’t will himself to put the letter down and leave. He thought about turning around and continuing to love Phil in silence. He thought about Phil falling in love with someone and bringing them home to show Dan how lucky he was. 

Dan finally forced himself out of his trance, sat the letter down, knocked on the door and ran away. By the time he reached his car, he was breathless and his anxiety was at an all time high. He opened the door and threw himself in the car. He drove by and saw a very confused Phil reading the front of the letter. 

All Dan has to do now is wait.

_  
__  
To: Dan  
From: Phil  
Meet me fields that are painted gold at 4  
  
Dan’s stomach twisted in so many knots, a girl scout would be jealous. This was the moment of truth, this is the moment he’s been anxiously awaiting. It’d been four whole days since Dan dropped that letter off at Phil’s doorstep. To say he’s been freaking out since then is an understatement. He’s been terrified of this entire situation. 

Dan had a gut feeling about what was about to happen, but he didn’t want to think about it too much. All the had to do was go to the place Phil wanted him to - the fields painted gold aka the sunflower field. It was two thirty, so Dan had a few minutes to prepare for rejection and create an explanation for everything. 

He tried to clean himself up and make himself look presentable. He took a long hot shower, brushed his teeth harder than he ever had in his entire life, and put leave in conditioner to keep his curls tame - he didn’t feel like straightening his hair anymore. He ran to his room and picked out an outfit that wouldn’t make him burst into flames - a floral flannel with a grey shirt underneath, his ripped black jeans, and his white shoes. 

By the time he was done getting ready it was already 3:30. He grabbed his phone and ran down the stair and out the door. He didn’t want to have any conversation besides the one he was about to have with Phil. He made sure to text his mum and tell her that he was going out with Phil, so she wouldn’t worry. He got in his car, turned on the radio as loud as he could and drove to his hearts trial. 

He arrived at the field right at four and sat in his car until four o’five. Dan finally willed himself to get out and walk to the edge of the field. He looked around to search for Phil, but he couldn’t see anything. Suddenly, he heard someone shouting his name from behind him. He turned around to see Phil practically jogging up to Dan. Excuses started falling from Dan’s mouth as Phil got even closer. 

Dan’s voice was shaking as he spewed words, “Phil, I can explain-”

Phil brought his hands to Dan’s face and crashed their lips together. Dan was quick to respond and kissed back almost instantly. Phil moved his hands to Dan’s hips as Dan moved his to Phil’s neck. Their mouths moved together in perfect synchronicity and their lips fit together like two puzzle pieces. Phil pulled back and rested his forehead against Dan’s. He breathing was just as uneven as Dan’s and their hearts were beating faster than a hummingbird’s. 

Phil sighed and chuckled, “You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do that.”

Dan pulled away, but he made sure to keep both of his hand gripped tightly to Phil’s sleeves due to the fear of him leaving, “I wasn’t expecting that at all.”

A wave of confusion washed over Phil, “Why?”

“I never thought you would like me like that, if I’m being honest,” Dan looked down, “I’ve spent so long convincing myself that you wouldn’t like me at all and just knowing you do is such a big relief.”

Phil brought his hand up to caress Dan’s flushed cheek and brought his face back up, “Dan, I have never met anyone like you. You’re so quick to love or hate and you understand some things other people will never understand. I love you brown eyes and your curly hair and the dimples you have. I love everything about you, every single beautifully perfect flaw, “ he leaned in and gave Dan another kiss, “I love you.”

“I love you too. Oh god I love you so damn much, “ Dan chuckled and brought Phil in for another kiss. This one was softer than their other two, sweeter. Dan was the most content he’s ever been in that moment.

Phil pulled away and laughed, “I bet I could beat you to the other side of the field.”

“Oh you’re on Lester!” Dan said as he took off, Phil following closely after.

**Author's Note:**

> (btw katie and em, this is justine. whoops!)


End file.
